I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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