Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize