remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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