I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize