Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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