You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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