I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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