I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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