Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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