If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
