you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
