I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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