At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
