I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
