How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
