yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
