I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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