I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
