My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
