Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
