I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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