Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
