I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
