I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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