The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize