Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
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