The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
