I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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