I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize