tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
