Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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