Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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