I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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