I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
