I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
