Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
