So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Did I show you my penis last night?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
