i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Randomize
