U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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