Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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