oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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