On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
