Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
