I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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