I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize