I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I have tasted many bathrooms
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
