ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
