my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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