I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
where does the pee come out of this thing
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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