if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The struggles of a small town man whore
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
