is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
