He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
