She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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