Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
