Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
